Take A Walk On the Wild Side

A gray cat, a stray cat, I am,  with a tapestry of light grey to black stripes with flecks of red and gold fur and don’t forget my alluring white tuxedo shirt and white-tipped paws.

In my mind, I have it all.  I ROCK!

Why is that, you ask?  Easy, I have the whole out doors to live in.  I am not tied to one location.  Like the old Blues song, ‘Wherever I throw my hat, is my home.’  I don’t really have a hat, but you know what I mean.

With that comes its own set of problems, like all those outlaw feral, that I swear have invisible leather vests, no moral code and a need to have a leader, associates, prospects and full-blooded members,  like a Feline Biker Gang and just about as violent. And they got tats, man – the scars of battles, lost and won. Their weapon of choice are those sharp incisor teeth and claw nails, like switch blade knives. Then there are those Forest Freaks made of who knows what spare parts from the Four Footed.  I am not Cat Trash, like they obviously are. I am a loner.  I see everything, hear everything, all the while hiding efficiently, moving around stealthily and always getting to my planned destination, without wear and tear to my holy temple, my God-given body. But if you want to fight, Bring It On.  The wild cat surfaces in me.  Be careful what you wish for…..I never lose.  Only the uninformed take me on.  I don’t have scars, I deliver scars.

Still, a little, nagging voice inside me keeps testing my fragile ego, telling me I am just not good enough to make the grade, to have a home, or a family that worries about me.  I know Momma cares.  She even named me, a rather strange name, but Clem it is.  I can live with that! She is delighted when I come to her door, even if I have been in a snit and not showed up for a month.  Wonder Boy likes me, too and he is a hard sell.  He does not put his heart out on a serving platter to be stabbed with tiny plastic tipped toothpicks.

I remember the time I disappeared for a month because I could not take BB and his non stop caterwauling, growling and hissing. I know, he had poor health, I should have had compassion.  I don’t do empathy. I did not want to hear about his pain and neurosis.  So we battled fiercely.  He always limped away, never learning.

One day it dawned on me, as I hid under the shrubs and peony bushes, I had not seen BB in a few days. Then a couple of weeks passed, still no BB.  There was Diva Calico Gen, oh, and that Andy-Long-Legs,  but no BB.  Apparently, (according to Momma), it was a month to the day I was last seen, when I returned, like  Houdini, actually better than Houdini, magically reappearing.  I walked up the steps to the front door, stood on the bench, leaned over to try to open the door handle with my paws, looking in the beveled glass pane and there was my Momma. We were eyeball to eyeball.    I could read the disbelief on her face. Nevertheless, I could have been the Prodigal Son, the way she feasted and feted me. If the other cats thought I needed to be taught a lesson for leaving home, (does it sound a little like the Prodigal Son’s brother???), I could adapt.  I let Kitty Club Med  enter the home first, skirting around Andy, giving him a wide berth and nose sniffing Gen. Piece a cake.

Momma really thought come the harsh True North Strong and Free Winter I would officially become an Indoor Outdoor Cat.  Not me.  I was born to wander.  I love warming up on the heat registers, found my own hide away under the claw footed bathtub but once I am fed and well rested, I insist that I got to go.

I love you, Momma and Wonder Boy but I got things to do, places to go. I take my job seriously.  I mean, who else is capable of 24 hour seven-day surveillance of the neighbor hood?  Trust me, I know  what everyone and everything has done or will do! On one hand I fancy myself a 007 James Bond Spy, on the other I am beloved by Momma and Wonder Boy, with  food to eat, comfy rugs to sleep on and lots of hands on stroking and scratching.  What’s not to love?

Don’t kid yourself.  I am not going anywhere soon, you betcha!