Go figure….They even have a name for it…Odd–Eyed Cats…. Oh, and a Scientific reason…apparently….me, I am like Momma…I want to believe I was touched by the Angels BUT… on some days you may think, when I am acting out, the Devil in Disguise…..the one with the Little Red Pitchfork.

My Mama Cat noticed nothing on toward about me when my eyes finally opened….okay, okay, all my siblings were lovely shades of black / grey and tuxedoed white with two matching eyes but I was completely white …who knew the color you are randomly assigned can jump-start that  dominant pigment, leaving me with one blue and one green eye?

Still everyone knows how unrelenting siblings can be about your weaknesses…One day my Little Bro asked my Mama…what was wrong with Little White Sissy’s eyes….and that is when she realized, (your kids teach you most the things you know :))) ) she had either birthed a Miracle or a Misery for Life….but you know  the world is full of Stage Moms who Believe that their off spring will change the world and so the DREAM  began….I became The STAR…and my Siblings, my Loyal Gofers….no limitation on those who adore and serve me, oh no…..at least in my head!

So how did I get here, you are probably asking….well, my Mama Cat saw an open door (much to the chagrin of the McHappy Family who had given her a Forever Home). After being adopting, the McHappy’s warned her sternly to never go out that door but did she listen? No, like Eve in the Garden of Eden, Mama Cat bit into the apple and well, it didn’t end well…for her….  

Sure Mama Cat slunk back home to her McHappy Family … to her Forever Home, where she was fed, groomed, petted, even supplied cat nip…but the ♥ wants what the ♥ wants…..so she came home with a kitten caboodle growing silently and secretly (for now) inside of her. And that Virginia, is my humble beginnings.

But that was then and this is now. Life is good but there’s rumors….that we won’t be staying…that we have one paw out the door already…who decides these things? I don’t have a union card.  What can I do to get the best contract which must include a Forever Home, with of course, food, water, toys, cat nip, brushing and pure adultation poured on me….

I got a plan (don’t I always)…If I don’t like any of the prospective families that come to adopt me, I’ll act shy, sleep (with one eye and both ears open).  It seems (from what I can tell) that families love playful kittens that act like monkeys, jumping and cavorting, making them laugh. I will play dead, dead as a door mouse….no one will want me….

I know, I know it will be so hard for me because I have such a huge ego. I tell my siblings they are stray kitties while I am descended from the fine ancient  family lines of the Turkish Angora’s, hence my Odd–Eyes and long silky fur as well as my friendly, outgoing personality that melts the resistance of the Two Footed and the Four Footed alike.  I love to watch them fall under my spell, as I spin my magic web, catching my prey in my sticky trap.

 

So…In order to provide full transparency (most importante in these Trumped up days): When you stare into my Odd–eyes …There’s no way to see my disguise…But  it’s not over till the fat lady sings…Stick around…Let’s see what it brings….      (Paraphrase P. F. Sloan, Steve Barri )

I want you to stay in touch so I can tell you which family I chose, because I am sure you must be as fascinated by me as I am…. 🙂

If you know any good candidates, give me a shout out….We (the Royal ‘WE’) Believe the Best for the Best….and just, you know, whoever …gets the rest….

 

Please…when you are carving my epitaph on cold black marble slab, let it read…

‘He tried so hard to show them all that  he wasn’t always mean…..
Yet they all thought each thing he did was just some evil scheme….’  (Paraphrase Hank Williams)

Because….really, I always mean well…

Every cat is born a helpless little kitty, dependent on Mama Cat to sustain life and order …which gets tricky…when you are born a feral….with no cushy baskets to sleep in… no water dishes or dry or wet food, set up in separate stations to prevent the Dominant from taking and taking and taking from the Submissive…..

I knew, I just knew, I had to survive because I had a purpose in life…I would be someone, somewhere, even if I was clueless about backing down when the stakes were high….but hey, I am The Brainiac, not some Risk Management Director, placing my bets, considering the odds.

It wasn’t long (like I was 3.5 weeks old) when ‘Destiny is All’ kicked in and our Momma swooped myself, (Bad Boy Andy), Sister Diva Calico Gen and Brother Muscle Cat Beauregard from a life of utter noisy chaos and destruction at a Tier One Auto Manufacturing Plant and took us to an Urban Suburban Life…well Paradise, …actually.  One little catch….there were three Senior Cats, all female (also feral), who lived there, rescues as well and like Shania Twain…. ‘That don’t impress me much.’

Job #1….eat, eat, eat…outsize, outrank the Senior Cats….show them Tom Cats (The Muscle Cat Beau and me, Bad Boy Andy) rule, and outrank so…move over…. there is some New Sheriffs in town….oh, and Diva Calico Gen, being our sibling ranked before the Seniors because…blood’s thicker than water, so, well, we had her back.  All of this jockeying for position caused a lot of snarling and chasing, ripping around but we were not going anywhere…but then, neither were the Senior Cats…..

I was much sneakier (I am the Brainiac) then Beau, so would avoid confrontations indoors (Momma and Wonder Boy are so judgemental – no sense of one up man ship at all)…but not Beau, who would find himself ejected in to the cold snowy nights to cool down.

As years pile on, only Sweet Diva Calico Gen and myself are left….and one Senior Cat, Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte and like two old rams, we still lock horns…she has me permanently barred from Momma’s bedroom…something to do with my bad behaviour…no doubt….

Still the living room is fair game…I see Momma in that ratty old sweater, I hop up for a suckle and a kneading session….and I spend countless hours grooming the Ultimate Earth Dog Jakita. Even if she is so strict about discipline, still she is as patient as a saint….but I have seen her rolling her eyes when I groom on and on….

So I am hoping, paw toes crossed that when I take my blue ICloud to Heaven, some of my more savory, caring moments will be put on the scale and that they will outweigh the torment I dished out because…honestly, I was only being a Tom Cat

Come to think of it…I am a Catholic.  I’ll go to confession…Say my Hail Mary’s…Get my Last Rites…I’m in…Well, maybe Cat-O-Lic Purgatory for a while….Just glad I’m not one of those WASP (White Ango-Saxon Protestants),,,,like Momma….no hope for them!

Sometimes…all it takes is a single grain of sand to tip the Scales of Justice…oh and fulfill a ‘To Do’  item or a Bucket List…just ask Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte (aka Charlie). Of course it takes Courage and Bravery, two Kitty Badges Charlie has worked hard to achieve as she watched the world catapult on around her at a break neck speed….so fast, she could never make it on the revolving Carousel of Life…or so she thought…till it happened.

 

 

It started early on, back at the Cat Colony when poor old tired Mama Cat had little time for the niceties of Motherhood.  There was no Yuppy Momma to put food and water down in shiny, washed daily food bowls.  No, Mama Cat had to go forage around Garbage bins, the best ones being at the Tim Horton / Wendy’s Outlet…one drawback, you had to cross six lanes of whizzing traffic, all the drivers late for work or late going home, or so it seemed…  Kind of like crossing a field of landmines… Only the most strategic and strong cats made it back in one piece. Quite understandably, when Mama Cat returned to the nest, she was frazzled and tired. There was little nurturing poured on to her …and Charlie, shy and undemanding, waited her turn, only advancing after all the Alpha Kitties had their fill.

You can see why Charlie,  a loner, was intrigued when Momma stalked her for days instead of just scooping up the friendly kitties.  Once Charlie was introduced to her Forever Home, she made a vow to herself…she would never walk out the door again…an Inside Cat by Choice…let the other Cats go Out and In and In and Out.  Charlie may have been a tad paranoid but she had her brains about her.  Danger in the form of the Four Footed or traffic, lack of food, fighting the heat of summer, the cold of winter was not her Thing.   ‘So shut the freekin’ door….I am not going anywhere’ , her expressive green eyes screamed.

Everyone knows Charlie came under the influence of The Quite Mad Mandu Cat because, well, Cat Mandu befriended her, yet, at the same time, deserted her to live her own life … Charlie only got a life when Cat Mandu caught her Pink Cloud to Paradise…but wow, in a few years Charlie is the prettiest Butterfly a Caterpillar ever produced.

With Cat Manda Gone.Baby.Gone, Charlie moved freely around her Forever Home, staking Momma’s Bed as Home Base…still she had to somehow conquer the Living Room because…you live in there.

Jakita, being the Baby of the Four Footed, and a privileged Ultimate Earth Dog had whatever couch she hopped on, or floor space she desired…no routine…just what suited her fancy on any given day.  Diva Calico Gen would grab a spot on the couch or the arm of a chair and swat any interlopers silly.

 

 

Bad Boy Andy preferred the top of the cat hotel or a couch, often glued beside Jakita…

 

 

Charlie she had her own devious plan…and it involved being an appendage to Momma…day and night, night  and day…it hurts to love so much, they say…but Charlie’s… making it work…even if it takes a little longer…

Here I am, up on my ICloud, with the latest GPS version focusing in on Momma’s front garden…Oh, there she is, on her hands and knees, almost completely concealed by those big daisy bushes… Momma, they are out of control…single petal, double petal, triple, quadruple, white petals, white and yellow, every shade of yellow petals but at least they are just in one corner of the garden.

The Bachelor Buttons, they have just taken over the whole front garden….it looks like a Refugee Camp for Bachelor Buttons.   You got to step up and stomp out, Momma.  Show those Bachelor Buttons who takes and who gives orders.

 

Still, I am so happy to see you Momma, oh, and Brother Brainiac Andy and Sister Diva Calico Gen.  Hey, pay attention… I’m up here, no, here, not there.. See me, feel me….Oh, good, contact made…Momma stop rubbing your eyes…it’s me…oh and Andy, Gen….I was The Muscle Beauregard for you, remember how I kept you safe from harms way then …still, look how you slink close to Momma and wind around her body in apparent fright.  I am a Heavenly Cat now…new rules…Zero tolerance for me to taunt and terrorize (okay, okay, I admit, sometimes Wonder Boy had to toss me outside to cool off when I was rampaging around the house)… but that was then….this is now and I was always purr..fect around Momma…a true Gentleman Cat.

But I See All up here from this Vantage point… I know Diva Calico Gen…you have changed little.  You still prance around like you are wearing your bejewelled high heels that match your diamond studded collar and earrings. And you are even more mischievous, bringing innocent little mice to Wonder Boy’s Bed…I know, I know…if Jakita can bring her pink Fluffy Bunny and Tigger to bed, why can’t you bring  Mini Mouse.  There’s rules Gen…follow them.

And you, Brainiac Andy…face it, you have slowed down.  It seems the furthest you go these days is to hide in Momma’s peony bushes.  The good news is that the trail of feral cats following you and Gen slowed to a trickle and stopped.  Yes, you’ve mellowed. I could say even you have turned in to a Suck….every morning you jump in Momma’s lap for a cuddle…what’s that all about…that lap belongs to me, remember?

The other thing I have noticed from way up here on high, once I found my Blue ICloud to Heaven, you both abruptly quit helping Momma walk Jakita…not that she needs your help…you, Gen lying in the middle of the street for a belly rub…and you, Andy, taking off for the creek and not returning till long after the walk was done.  I always suspected you were posers, trying to convince Momma, ‘Anything Beau can do, we can do better.’ You heard Momma bragging to the family, the neighbors telling her how cute it was that I went on every walk with you and Jakita and it was all about upmanship…Shame. Shame

Yet it now seems that Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte Charlie is my stiffest competition.  I would never have expected that shy, paranoid Charlie could even compete for Momma’s affection…Yet there she is, bold as brass, trying to drink from Momma’s glass, wedging herself beside her in the easy chair, sharing her bed every night, waking her up every morning….don’t get too comfortable, Charlie because once you and Momma reach Heaven, the rules change…I am the King of the Jungle…you can be a Princess, okay?

There is loads more to share and I’ll be back with news from all the other Four Footed here in Heaven who seem to think they have some claim on Momma but, end of day, goes like this:

She belongs to me…I belong to her…in my dreams…

SSSHHHH…don’t tell anyone…it’s a secret…take it to your grave… The Bad Boy Andy is getting old… I am either  thirteen (Vet swears) or fourteen (Momma knows best, bet on it) years old… kind of like those poor displaced souls who were born when their country was in turmoil and no birth registrations took place.

Just like many a Two Footed who have more days behind them, then coming at them, I have mellowed…even developed a lop sided sense of empathy and humor.  Now who couldn’t ♥ a cat like that?

Well, we’ll tell you…that foul tempered Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte Charlie.  If I would dare to come within ten feet of her, I am deafened by her irrational hissing and snarling.  I try so hard, (honestly) just try to sneak in to Momma’s room so I can settle in the dog cage for a quick nap but she sees me, hears me, smells me, feels me…I swear…it is beyond text-book neurosis the hatred that cat reserves for poor me!  She can be buried under the blankets in Momma’s bed and leap out at me, like a tiger on speed.

Every once in a while Charlie will (gently) correct my sister Diva Calico Gen, (who is more trouble than a barrel of monkeys), batting her across the snout, but even so, when Gen is mean to her, Charlie just slinks off in shame, head low, tail lower.

Then there is Jakita… I don’t think Charlie has ever even given that dog (yes, you are a dog, Jakita, not a Senorita or whatever high faluting blue blooded species you believe you belong to) a cross look and never a hiss or snarl….a love fest… apparently the rule is: No Boys Allowed!

Yet if I have the audacity to cross the thresh hold of Momma’s room, it is Game On, fight to the death, I will leave that room in tatters…take the other day…Momma and Jakita heard this unholy snarl, then a  thump followed by ‘help me caterwaul’…oh no, it wasn’t Charlie that needed saving from me…I needed saving from Charlie.  She had pounced on my back, and with expert finesse (she must have had training in Extreme Marshal Arts, I am sure, totally), gouged my eye with her clawed paws, embedding a long sharp nail right under my left eye.

Now I know I should be thankful…it wasn’t in my eye…and Wonder Boy saw it and pulled it out…but still…  I’m not feeling the love.

Sometimes as I contemplate the situation, I wonder could Charlie be a feminist first…possibly …. she likes Gen and Jakita because they are girlies like her.  I notice she hides behind the door and hisses softly at Clem (also a Tom cat) but never like the treatment she reserves for me.

I believe since Clem is a feral, Charlie has enough smarts to not start something she can’t finish….maybe…possibly…but Clem’s no brawler either, or else I wouldn’t let him come around.

 

 

I am thinking of starting a blog with Cat Tips (oh, and we could sell some Cat Nip) plus a Have Your Say Help Desk where poor, underappreciated Brainiac Bad Boy Kitties can tell their tales (not showoff their tails) because Momma says that there is nothing new in this world… just yesterdays headaches and heartaches amplified by our full tilt existence…

So fingers crossed.  All we need is ♥.

 

Would I lie to you? Would I lie to you truly? Now would I say something that wasn’t true? I’m asking you truly….Would I lie to you?????                       (Paraphrase the Eurythmics)

Is it just me or does every kid think… ‘Momma always liked you best’…. with a tear in their eye and a catch in their voice… Sometimes I feel like that because I sit and I watch and no matter how much love I slavishly pour over Momma, there is always some mealy mouth Four Footed competition that I feel gets more attention than me, the Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte, Charlie.

 

 

It helps to be an extrovert like Bad Boy Andy.  You want love, you take it, no matter how much it puts Diva Calico Gen out, as she sits at Momma’s side, paws tucked under, purring softly.  And there is the Ultimate Earth Dog Jakita wedged against Momm’s other side, head leaning on Momma’s bony knees.  You think that stops the Bad Boy Brainiac Andy….No, there is plenty of room on Momma’s lap, if you move your big, fluffy head Jakita and if the Diva will just slide back a bit…plenty of room for a long-legged, long-bodied bully cat in need of love.

Meanwhile, being introverted and wistful, I am hiding under the dining room, watching the love fest deteriorate rapidly as Gen stalks off in a huff while Jakita whines ‘it’s not fair…do something Momma.’  As the Bad Boy zestfully settles, Jakita gives in and gives up, splatting to the floor with a thud so everyone knows she is not pleased and there will be repercussions… so watch your back Andy.

 

But I know one sure thing…Momma and I have a special, irrevocable bond. Every day brings a night….and when the sun goes down and the moon comes up, it will be me with Momma, glued to her side all night, ready to lick and purr her awake each morning…so even if that little voice in my head that won’t shut up says I am unworthy and Momma always liked all of you best…still, we have the nights…when Diva Calico Gen and Senorita Jakita snuggle with Wonder Boy….

 

As for Bad Boy Andy…he’s a Tom Cat…he likes to prowl and howl at night…and he is not doing that in Momma’s bedroom.  No worries. If and when the Arctic Vortex sweep in or the skies open and pelt out rain, hail, sleet or snow, he finds a comfortable couch, rolls up in a ball and drifts off to Never Never Land where he is King of the Jungle and everyone bows to him…but, hey, I don’t care… because I got Momma…so it works for me!

Everything’s set, everything’s fine…You just got to stand in line…..
Oh everything’s set, everything’s fine…You just got to stand in line  (Midnight Oil)

 

It is not like I am an obstructionist…going around looking for trouble…I just want to play because, you know…Girls-Just-Wanna-Have-Fun…and I am a Girlie Diva Kitty...so me too.

 

 

Forget Bad Boy Andy…. When I relentlessly pursue, he’ll bite…literally…his idea of fun is to jump on my back and bite my ears with his sharp incisor teeth, ground to perfection just waiting for this opportunity.

 

 

And Hush Hush Sweet Charlie…clueless…you can’t even get her attention…it is like she is in a coma …but if I give her the tiniest little smack on the snout with my perfect little paw, she goes ballistic, snarling and growling like the Forest Freak she just may just have descended from.  Momma should go to that Ancestry Website and order a DNA kit for Charlie…just to confirm my suspicions…not like Momma would toss her to the curb anyway… and face it        Momma is the Law and Order department, no matter what Jakita thinks.

That leaves Jakita who will play if:

• It is her game
• It is her rules
• And she wins…

Now what fun is that? When you know the outcome of every game, you kind of destroy the reason for playing. Besides Jakita is a tattle tale, although Momma doesn’t pay much mind.

So because of that, I introduced a new player much to Wonder Boy’s consternation.  I can not help that Winter Is Coming and it feels like we live in Siberia…which means I am unofficially a round the clock Inside Cat…well except I went outside, found a fellow traveller, Little Miss Grey Mousie, with a long tail and matching whiskers, wanting to have fun and brought her in…right to Wonder Boy’s bedroom so I could play all night long, all night, all night….  Who knew…mice were not welcome?

It caused quite a stir. Wonder Boy tried to catch  Little Miss Grey Mousie to put her back outside with her family. Meanwhile Jakita sat on Wonder Boy’s bed with the MOST self-righteous, sanctimonious face,  EVER while she telepathically screamed, ‘Gen, Gen, Gen, what the Sam Hill were you thinking?’

No worries, … Little Miss Grey Mousie took off, never to be seen again, although I suspect she is peeping out at us, enjoying the central heating far too much to ever go outside again. Total Bummer.  I just wanted to play with her…

Like I said…Who Knew?