Now I am not so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed come morning…and it is not because I have a drinking problem or an addiction to sleeping pills or mood stabilizers or whatever those Two Footed take to make them function …. offset by caffeine laden black as tar coffee to jump-start them every morning.
But Momma, bless herGod–Fearing–Child–RearingSoul, does none of those things…..she does not even drink coffee so I can’t get away with anything ….Well, almost anything….…. like taking a nip out of Diva Calico Gen when she jumps off the kitchen table or putting Bad Boy Andy in his place if he is sucking up all the oxygen in the air by caterwauling and complaining about how long it is taking him to get fed.
But just like in the GoodBook, (Isaiah to be specific), Momma saw with own two cataract cleared eyes that ‘the wolf and the lamb will live together; the leopard will lie down with the baby goat; the calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion’ because arch enemies made PeaceOnEarth.
Charlie and Gen ..reach out and touch me…
Every morning…same routine. Diva Calico Gen and Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte (Charlie) follow Momma to the kitchen. They want to be fed NOW. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there is still food at their station BUT they want fresh, soft, just out of the fridge vittles.
Then the Bad Boy Andy rouses himself, complaining all the way to the kitchen, that another day has dawned. He meanders close to Charlie and gives her that Bad Boy stare and the hissing begins, followed by Charlie’s paw striking within a millimetre of Andy’s nose….which precipitates Andy’s paw to strike back….same old…same old.
Andy ready for wherever the day leads him…
Not this morning….the approach…the same… but instead of hissing and paw swiping, Bad Boy Andyand Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte exchanged sniff kisses… As Momma says…you live long enough, you’ll see everything.……then moved away from each other to their own feeding stations, to chow down in peace.
I know the reason why because I am a Four Footed Dog Shrink….you see Bad Boy Andy was in a stellar mood because he slept on Wonder Boy’s chest all…night…long…. For the past few years Charlie has slept every night with Momma….which meant….Andy was shunned like the English by the Amish…while Gen….well, has privileges(kinda like an American Express Membership Card Holder)….. anywhere she throws her hat is her home.
Now, I am hoping, as of today, it is all about New Beginnings, Give Peace A Chanceand Happily Ever After…..but you know Bad Boy Andy and Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte…can we even make two days in a row…ya think?
Sweet Charlie
No worries… I am keeping a log…like a Scientific Experiment, conducted under Controlled Conditions, I will record over a set Time Frame,approved by the Board (that would be only Diva Calico Gen and myself, since Andy and Charlie have skin in the game) andduly Tabled and Reported.
So place your bets and cross your fingers…will ‘the cat and the yearling be safe with the lion’….I know what I would lay my life on…NOT.
We got the Courtroom. Check. We got the Judge. Check. We got the Innocent-Till-Proven-Guilty…don’t we??? That is when the fun began because he-thought-she-thought-they-thought…
Wasn’t it someone else’s Job Description to actually bring the accused from the local holding cell to his arraignment? Seems everyone was so busy busting their chops to arrive early to meet the newly assigned Miss-Here-Comes-the-Judge that one worrisome detail was neglected… transporting the Innocent-Till-Proven-Guilty.
Trying to wear her very best poker face, Miss-Here-Comes-the-Judge asked which prison official had the duty to ensure the Innocent-Till-Proven-Guilty made it to court? Easy answer …It was George-Come-Lately…but today was the first day of the hunting season and well, that was like as sanctified (in his mind) as a Pilgrimage to Mecca, or like Lent to a Catholic. No way he and his buddies would be anywhere but the back country in their neon colored hunting jackets with reflectivestrips, matching caps, long barreled hunting rifles religiously ensconced in slings. Safety first…always…Safety First…
Miss-Here-Comes-the-Judge sighed (or was it a scoff) and asked who was cross-trained in that event? Bewildered, the local constabulary gazed back at her – the Officer-That- Laid-the-Charges, the Crown Attorney who would go to the ends of the earth to keep his Stats at ZERO lossesand the Court Appointed Paid From the Public Purse Defence Lawyer, who had no skin in the game but it did guarantee him some paid legal fees…and of course, the town folk, split in to two factions…a small group of members of the SecretSocietyofScryers(who supported the former Judge) and dared show their unrepentant faces. Then, those that embraced the Innocent-Till-Proven-Guilty and like an Amish Zealot, shunning the English, they shunned the Establishment and its trappings.
Now, you know and I know the former Judge, who knew when a butterfly flapped his wings, in this town, (still does) would have been sure all the bases were covered, tasks assigned. Even his naysayers admitted (grudgingly) that his courtroom ran like clockwork….seemed Miss-Here-Comes-the-Judge had some learning to doabout this part of the country. The simple life…well, it is not so simple.
The Crown Attorney puffed out his chestrecommended ‘someone’ just phone the Warden and have Innocent-Till-Proven-Guiltysent over to the Courthouse.
Yikes…Prison Fr: Morguefile By: larryfarr
At that point the Officer-That-Laid-the-Charges jumped up and said it would be more efficient if he’d just crossed the street and walked the prisoner out of jail, across the four lane highway, with cars whizzing past like they were on the Autobahn, and up the Courtroom steps. No way he’d put leg shackles on Innocent-Till-Proven-Guilty. It would be tricky enough without that. Okay, okay, he’d make sure the handcuffs were on securely but this was Farmer Joe’s son….he wasn’t going to pull any funny stuff….and if he did, well, the Officer-That- Laid-the-Charges had a gun….not that he would have to use it,you understand.
Miss-Here-Comes-the-Judge looked at the Crown Attorney, the Defence Lawyer, asked the Officer-That- Laid-the-Charges how long it would take to complete his delivery of the accused, banged her gavel and said, ‘Court is Adjourned till Mission Accomplished’, stood up abruptly, barged through the swinging door behind her, into the sanctity of her chambers.
Hear Ye, Hear Ye…this Court is no longer in Session. Fr:Morguefile By: mcconnors
A quick scan around the courtroom saw smirks and grins, even some guffaws on the faces of not only on the Crown Attorney, the Defence Lawyer, the Officer-That- Laid-the-Charges but also on the members of the SecretSocietyofScryersand the town folk that shunned the Establishment and its trappings. It seemed though they had opposing view points, their sense of humour
That is how we roll…in the country… Fr: Morguefile By: edumigue
was still in sync.
It was going to be a steep learning curve for Miss-Here-Comes-the-Judge…not like anyone would put a hand out to help her…and if she put her hand out….well, don’t be shocked if someone (accidentally, I am sure, totally), stepped on it….
Because… you not kin…. you not in…. even worse if you’re a ‘Comefrom Away’…Cuz that is how we roll…in the country.
I am the Diva Calico Gen, prone to seek out and claim all things that Sparkle and Glow…like a big old cantankerous crow….without the feathers. No, I am DivinelyCalico, sleek and soft and sometimes….just sometimes,more trouble than I am worth.
Please understand, what is off-limits for others,never applies to me…at least in my mind…the way that I see it. If God made me in such a way that in one leap, I could be on a kitchen table or cupboard, surely He meant for me to do just that…even if it brings out the tattle tale in Jakita, who believes she was put on earth to being Law and Order to all Four Footed creatures. One sure thing…if I go fishing in the basket for a treasure, like say a push-pin, a ribbon, a no longer in use penny and knock it to the floor, Jakita will pursue it with passion. GameOn….till she looses…because I have more finesse and speed and staying power.
I♥♥♥ Jakita….but when it comes time to share WonderBoy’s affection…not so much….It is each beast, on its own missionand the winner takes all.
BFF Gen and Jakita with Little Tigger.
If Jakita wedges herself by WonderBoy’s side to sleep, I claim his pillow, purring annoyingly loud, look at me, listen to me….anything she can do, I can do better….much better. After all I come from the rough and tumble, born in the Great Outdoors, with no Two Footed Assistant. Even though I scoff about Jakita’s Pedigree Blue Blood lines, (according to her) I acknowledge that the Two Footed assisted in her birthing processin order to sell herfor big green back bucks. Sadly, though I was a freebie, Jakita, through no fault of her own is part ofEvilCapitalism….but I try not to let that diminish my love for her.
In my heart, I am a Pacifist and am curious and welcoming of all felines in my midst….I’ll even seek out the tattered strays….because I like to live on the edgeand….realize, truth be told….that could have been me…if Momma had not scooped me up, along with Bad Boy Andy and Beau-Regard, out of a Life of Noise and Confusion, Hunger and Adventureat the Tier One Automotive Plant.
Still I can never deny my feline DNA, even though at three and a half weeks I lost my Cat Mama and gained a Two Footed Momma who never could teach me how to stalk my prey, sleep all day,prowl all night.
Charlie does a Risk Assessment of every action….
I am not quite sure Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte (Charlie) is really a cat (except she has the hissing down to a science),because she has no interest in hunting, scavenging or even stepping a foot outside….no, Charlie is inside all the way, in a Cocoonof Bliss created by Momma.
Why would Charlie ever leave asafe haven for the unknown??? Is it possible….maybe Charlie is wiser than me…even? Yeah, but…. who wants to do a Risk Assessment for each and every dreary step (obviously come under the influence at the Tier One Automotive Stamping Plant) me…I’d rather do an Action Plan ….(If my toes are held to the fire…long enough).
So I try, I try to be an Angel Doggie but for reasons I can not quite fathom, I am just a bit mouthy, expressing myself mournfully or forcefully (sometimes) with attitude and a look that could drill a hole through pressure heated hardened steelor cut through Kevlar…. You choose…
Now it may be in my DNA, it may be that I was born an Aquarius, it may be I need Anger Management Training but, like Lady Ga-Ga,I was Born-This-Way….If you would let me ponder…. I believe it is because I am overly sensitive, notice every minute detail and think I am in charge of correcting it…oh, and I may be OCD…do doggies get that, ya think?
And Momma (being Momma), taps right in to my sanctimonious, put-everyone-in-their-place-and-you-better-stay-there moods. It is a challenge to not to disappoint Momma….again. She doesn’t chastise me but it is that look in her eyes…besides she feeds me!
So, oops, I did it again…because…I can’t mind my own business(that asks far too much of me)….and it is not my fault the GoodGodAlmighty gave me ears that hear those butterfly wings flap in Africa.
Diva Calico Gen…so innocent…NOT!
One day (true story)as I am having a peaceful nap, falling into a REM statewhere dreams become sharp and clear, and you become part of the action,floating through yellow buttercups, the wind ruffling your furry ears and I hear Diva Calico Gen spring and landon the table in the kitchen.
First off, it is no fair a cat can so deftly jump from a floor to a table, in a standing position, no less and I can’t…I resent that…but mostly importantly, I have heard Momma admonish the cats time and time again for doing so.. Yet when I go rushing in to the kitchen in attack mode, snarling and barking, and Diva Calico Gen jumps off the table and takes off, so…of course it is my job, Man, to pursue her, jump on her back, chew her ears,
The problem is Momma doesn’t like the barking, the meowing, the chase around the house like wild stallions thundering across fields and dellsand who gets the blame? Me. I roll my eyes, I look accusingly at Diva Calico Gen and go thump down on the cool hardwood floor with a lengthy sigh. Like: Yakety yak Yakety Yak. Don’t talk back…
Now, you know already, Momma like to live in PEACE so she will always seek me out later and explain she knew Diva Calico Gen had plotted that scenario, right down to knowing I attack the Cat, Momma attacks me. That Diva Calico Gen covers her mouth with her paw to conceal her mirth at my folly, every time… like Tom & Jerry and Tweety Bird, just scorches my very soul.
Jakita and Good Boy Andy
I mean even Bad Boy Andy doesn’t do that…actually he should be called…Good Boy Andy. He just wants to groom me or sleep beside me. Hush Hush Sweet Charlie, well, upon occasion, she will hop on the Coffee table but I stand up and cuff her with my fluffy paw, she runs a bit, waits for me to catch up…. No tattling with Hush Hush Sweet Charlie …. she believes in that ‘Don’t ask, Don’t tell’ philosophy of higher thinkers, thank you.
One day I am going to surprise even Momma. I will ignore Diva Calico Gen. If you don’t play, you can’t lose…I am assuming….
Long, LongAgo…. (well, not that LongAgo, actually) Ms. Been-There-Done-That lived across the street from us in a ramshackle home (what does that even mean, Momma?) that had seen better days, with its peeling paint and fractured windows.
Ramshackle House
Momma says it looks like if you push on the outer wall with your pointer finger, it will collapse, flattening everything in its path….so sidle on past it…. with Extreme Caution.
Our Summer Garden
We never really talked to Ms. Been-There-Done-That but we’d wave and holler across the street. She was pea green with envy over Momma’s Magical Gardenwith flowers, stepping-stones, rocks that bled rivers of silver and our Itty Bitty Fairies and Angels that twirled around in the CircleoftheFairyDance.
Little did we know that Ms. Been-There-Done-That was fighting her last battle with Killer Cancer and had chosen to self medicate with Jack Daniels….bottles and bottles of Jack Daniels. She had lost her Husband to The-Other-Women, she had lost her Son to Addiction, BUT…..
Unconditional, Hang in there ♥ ‘Till Death Do Us Part’.
She would lose her Life with her Ever Loyal and Faithful Splotchy White and Black Mutt Dog at her side.
Some say on the night of her passing Ms. Been-There-Done-That crossed the street and became the Lead Ballerina in the CircleoftheFairyDance….but others swear on a Stack of King James Bibles:
A Summer Moon
As the moon glows down on her haunted house, now that she feels better, Ms. Been-There-Done-That roams our street at night, crisscrossing the road, searching, calling out for Ever Loyal and Faithful Splotchy White and Black Mutt Dog, saying, ‘Here Boy, Here Boy’in a quiet whisper, then sprinting up to the neighbours’ front doors, ringing door bells, and when they answer, vaporizing before their unbelieving eyes…
Hooded ghosts. From Morguefile.com IMG_0796_xe.JPG By ardelfin
Seeking the lost… Seeking the lost…Saving, redeeming… At an immeasurable cost.
Look for her….If you have eyes to see…Listen for her…If you have ears to hear….because….She is so out there!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I hate to break it to you Momma…but we got us a Four Footed, long whiskered, pointed snout, longer than body-length scaly tailed Speedy GonzalesHouse Mouse living in our home…so now what?
Momma won’t put down poison because…well ….because her most beloved, yet pokey four-footed pets might ingest it…and forget traps…liketiny, unforgiving guillotines only the poor mites could pitch and shriek for days and Momma would not hear a whisper….although that might wake the cats out of their hibernation slumber. I mean, Wonder Boy, if and when he can catch Speedy and his relatives, doesn’t mind capturing them and putting them out to scamper in to the cold night…but Momma…no…not so much….
Now the other day, a Thursday (that is the day Momma scrubs the floors, every week, like clock work(God-Love-Those-Detail-Oriented-Schedule-Keeping Virgos) and lo and behold, and fuddle duddle, out streaks Speedy Gonzales,so fast, almost a blur, but I could see his fat little body, his little round ears and that long whip of a tail, disappearing in to the bathroom, under a bath mat all the while shrieking (I swear I heard): ‘Ándale, Ándale! Ariba! Ariba!’
As Momma squealed and did an Irish Jig, I went in to panic mode….was this a threat…is there Speedy Gonzales Terrorists hiding out in our home???? Mostly I am thinking (being Havanese and hailing from Cuba)…Holy frijoles! That thing runs faster than me!
Should I stay or should I go?
Time to get a grip, hold the phones. It is anitty bitty field mouse who has invaded private property in the dead of an Arctic Vortex….Don’t we have cats in our midst whose main contribution to the family is supposed to be to hunting…like… mice? So I scan the horizon and what do I see? Well, Charlie is deep in contemplation….Should I stay or should I go…Forget Charlie anyway…she catches flies, the occasional moththat dares to invade her territory but mice…never saw her even show interest in even confronting a mouse. No, she is a tried and true crunchy Meow Mix Loyalist.
Bad Boy Andy sleeps alone, on his back, little white paws ready to box all takers while long black tails drapes over his hind legs.
And, what can I say… Bad Boy Andy, a male cat…. There he is, flat on his back, paws in the air, deep in slumber … he has to feel extremely bored to be lured in to a cat and mouse game. The mouse would have to pull Andy’s whiskers to get any reaction out of him. Don’t tell anyone but Andy is a softie…he doesn’t like to pick on things smaller than him.
Diva Calico Gen Tuck 10.0!
Then there is Diva Calico Gen…she is a true female feline mouser…but more to bat them around, leave them stunned, so that Wonder Boy can scoop them up and deliver them to their Natural Habitat. There she is, wound up like a ball of tri–colouredyarn, in never–never land, chasing pretty butterflies no doubt. Three for three, like Jesus’ disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane…all asleep.
So, as Speedy Gonzales makes his great escape, from one room to the next to the next to the next, he is chuckling as he goes… ‘They don’t make pussy cats like they used to….but then again…Us good guys always win….’
No worries, I am working on a plan…without the help ofour pampered, soft and hard food, Temptation Treats fed, gorda kitties because as a Havanese (From Havana…ooh na-na (ay, ay), I speak Speedy’snative tongue…
Ándale, Ándale! Ariba! Ariba…you are so out of here Speedy Gonzales…Vamos! Vamos!
Go figure….They even have a name for it…Odd–EyedCats…. Oh, and a Scientific reason…apparently….me, I am like Momma…I want to believe I was touched by the Angels BUT… on some days you may think, when I am acting out, the Devil in Disguise…..the one with the Little Red Pitchfork.
Odd- Eyed I am and Ever Shall Be….From: Morguefile By:Chriele78
My Mama Cat noticed nothing on toward about me when my eyes finally opened….okay, okay, all my siblings were lovely shades of black / grey and tuxedoed white with two matching eyesbut I was completely white …who knew the color you are randomly assigned can jump-start that dominant pigment, leaving me with one blue and one green eye?
Still everyone knows how unrelenting siblings can be about your weaknesses…One day my Little Bro asked my Mama…what was wrong with Little White Sissy’s eyes….and that is when she realized, (your kids teach you most the things you know :))) ) she had either birthed aMiracle or a Misery for Life….but you know the world is full of Stage Momswho Believethat their off spring will change the world and so the DREAM began….I became The STAR…and my Siblings, my Loyal Gofers….no limitation on those who adore and serve me, oh no…..at least in my head!
My Amigos Fr: Morguefile By: MaryBaird
So how did I get here, you are probably asking….well, my Mama Cat saw an open door (much to the chagrin of the McHappyFamily who had given her a ForeverHome). After being adopting, the McHappy’s warned her sternly to never go out that door but did she listen? No, like Eve in the Garden of Eden,Mama Cat bit into the appleand well, it didn’t end well…for her….
Sure Mama Cat slunk back home to her McHappyFamily … to her ForeverHome, where she was fed, groomed, petted, even supplied cat nip…but the ♥ wants what the ♥ wants…..so she came home with a kitten caboodle growing silently and secretly (for now) inside of her.And that Virginia, is my humble beginnings.
But that was then and this is now. Life is good but there’s rumors….that we won’t be staying…that we have one paw out the door already…who decides these things?I don’t have a union card. What can I do to get the best contract which must include a ForeverHome, with of course, food, water, toys, cat nip, brushing and pure adultation poured on me….
I got a plan (don’t I always)…If I don’t like any of the prospective families that come to adopt me, I’ll act shy, sleep (with one eye and both ears open). It seems (from what I can tell) that familieslove playful kittens that act like monkeys, jumping and cavorting, making them laugh.I will play dead, dead as a door mouse….no one will want me….
See my halo???? Fr: Morguefile By: Alvimann
Iknow, I know it will be so hard for me because I have such a huge ego. I tell my siblings they are stray kitties while I am descended from the fine ancient family lines of the Turkish Angora’s, hence my Odd–Eyes and long silky fur as well as my friendly, outgoing personality that melts the resistance of the Two Footed and the Four Footed alike. I love to watch them fall under my spell, as I spin my magic web, catching my prey in my sticky trap.
So…In order to provide full transparency (most importante in these Trumped up days):When you stare into my Odd–eyes …There’s no way to see my disguise…But it’s not over till the fat lady sings…Stick around…Let’s see what it brings…. (Paraphrase P. F. Sloan, Steve Barri )
Ok, Ok, my siblings are pretty special too… Fr: Morguefile By: ArielleJay
I want you to stay in touch so I can tell you which family I chose, because I am sure you must be as fascinated by me as I am…. 🙂
If you know any good candidates, give me a shout out….We (the Royal ‘WE’) Believe the Best for the Best….and just, you know, whoever …gets the rest….
O
